*Donation**
*
*Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
*
*'It is!'
*
*'This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?'
*
*'I can!' *
*'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
*
*'I do!'
*
*'Is he a member of your congregation?'
*
*'He is!'
*
*'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
*
*'He will now"
*
*Confession**
*
*An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:
*
*Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times.'
*
*Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
*
*Man: 'What sins?'
*
*Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
*
*Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
*
*Priest: 'Then why are you telling me all this?'
*
*Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
*
*Brothel Trip**
*
*An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a
young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks
how old he is.
*
*'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
*
*'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
*
*'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
*
*Senility**
*
*An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting
senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to
zip down.' *
*Pest** Control**
*
*A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a
pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
*
*'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed
him in the closet, stark naked.
*
*The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom
discovered the man in the closet..
*
*'Who are you?' he asked him..
*
*'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
*
*'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..
*
*'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man
replied.
*
*'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
*
*The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..
*
*Marriage Humour **
**
Wife: 'What are you doing?' *
*Husband: **Nothing.
*
*Wife: **'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an
hour.'
*
*Husband: **'I was looking for the expiration date.' *
*-------------------------------
*
*Wife **: 'Do you want dinner?'
*
*Husband: **'Sure! What are my choices?' **
*
*Wife: **'Yes or no.' **
*
*--------------------------------------------------------
*
*Stress Reliever **
*
*Girl: **'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your burden.'
*
*Boy: **'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or
troubles.'
*
*Girl: **'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
*
*------------------------------ *
*
**Son: **'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady.' *
*Mom: **'Well, you have done the right thing.'
*
*Son: **'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.' **
*
*______________________________
*
*A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?'
*
*'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO
LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
*
*------------------------------------------------------------
*
*A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or
my sexy body?' *
*He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of
humour!'
___________________________________
*
*Husbands are husbands **
*
*A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head
with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked. *
*The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on
it that I found in your pants pocket'.. *
*The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name
of
the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework.. *
*Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. *
*Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. *
*Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned' *