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Lawyer jokes



LAWYER JOKES!!!

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Linda Sushko <l.sushko@yahoo.com>
Date: Wed, Feb 24, 2010 at 5:34 PM
Subject: Fw: This Will Brighten Your Day
To: charlotte <charlottes@fmfcu.org>, arlene b <ambrdh@verizon.net>, jmumenth@sovereignbank.com, josushko@hotmail.com, jtpius@verizon.net, "Janice H. Laurence" <jhl457@temple.edu>, sydellemm@msn.com, Suzan Muaddi <suzan642@yahoo.com>




----- Forwarded Message ----
From: John & Terry <jtpius@verizon.net>
To: Steve <bim2001@rcn.com>; John Lombardo <jrlombardo44@comcast.net>; Chuck - Work <Chuck_Whitley@advancemags.com>; Franny John <badge1473@aol.com>; Eugene Sushko <l.sushko@yahoo.com>; Pappy <jbdoe1@msn.com>
Sent: Wed, February 24, 2010 8:16:50 AM
Subject: Fw: This Will Brighten Your Day


 
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Wednesday, February 24, 2010 7:57 AM
Subject: This Will Brighten Your Day

 


These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. 

_____________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
WITNESS: I forget. 
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? 
_____________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 
____________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? 
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ 

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? 
WITNESS: Are you #@%&ing me? 
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? 
WITNESS: @##$$%^&*&*(()_____________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
ATTORNEY: How many were boys? 
WITNESS: None. 
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? 
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney Can I get a new attorney? 
_____________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? 
WITNESS: By death. 
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? 
WITNESS: Take a guess
_____________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? 
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. 
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? 
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male
_____________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 
_____________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? 
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. 
_____________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? 
WITNESS: Oral.
_____________________________________ 

  
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished
_____________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? 
_____________________________________ 

And the best for last: 

  
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
  
THINK ABOUT IT!  MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS


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--
Janice H. Laurence, Ph.D.
Associate Professor
Adult & Organizational Development
College of Education
Temple University
(215) 204-8079